Unhidden: Part I - An Honest Conversation With God

A modern psalm of wrestling, weakness, and returning

Ok, I’m stretching my wings in a literary sense.

A couple of profound spiritual experiences in the last couple of days led me to hitting “record” on some “stream of consciousness” reflections on sin and struggle, as well as some prayers I uttered out loud.

The words in italics are words of my prayer, verbatim, though not necessarily chronological.

I’m being vague about my struggle, because the actions are less important than the spirit behind them, and the struggle is rooted in being universally human.

I’m calling this “Unhidden” because it’s structured, but actually built off of raw, unfiltered reflections I recorded when I was lying awake, alone at 3am.

Because, isn’t that when all the thoughts come flooding in?

---

The Gentle Weight of a God I Can’t Fool

The time doesn’t make my sin go away.
It only goes away by coming into Your presence.

I am pleading for the forgiveness I don’t deserve, haven’t earned, and could never manufacture, and yet, it’s available. Freely. Still.

That just makes me bow in my spirit.

My sin is fresh. A part of me wants to hide in shame, but I know it’s not hidden. So I bring it to You.

And I say:

I'm sorry. I don't want to do it. I clearly struggle. And I need Your help. If I can get Your help, I can start to put this behind me.

---

What Comes Subtle, But Stings

When I speak of “the presence” that tries to slip in, it’s not a horror-movie terror.

It’s subtler. Quieter. Offering what I want in my humanness, not in my holiness.

But when I speak of it, I feel something. Goosebumps warning me.

A whisper that says:

This is more powerful than you. And it does not play fair.

And I know, I want no part in that kingdom or realm. It is unholiness masquerading as pleasure.

I nudged Your presence away to chase something I knew would harm me. I quieted my conscience to get a fix.

And now, here I am, asking not for punishment, but for Your nearness. Because nothing else will do.

---

Even This Casual Prayer Is Built on Blood

I said to You:

It's not hidden from You. I can't hide it. Running away doesn't make it go away. Nothing helps except that I bring it to You, and I plead for the forgiveness that I don't deserve.

And I realized:

The only reason I can pray like this, casually, sincerely, vulnerably, is because of what Jesus has done.

I'm not standing in a temple. I'm not behind a veil. I'm in my bed, broken and honest. And still, You meet me.

I’m just going to put the blankets on, put the white noise on, I’m going to close my eyes, I’m going to go to sleep, and just trust that my prayer now rests with Your Heart, (the heart of God)”

“I can’t keep trying to protect myself from everything. I need to trust that You’ve heard me, and that’s enough.”

---

I Want to Go from Ashamed to Aware

The human nature I was born with is still with me. But You didn’t come to improve it.

You came to make something new.

That's why these things still surface.

So here I am again. Not hiding. Not bargaining. Just owning it.

I'm sorry. I messed up. This time I don't want to run away. I want to own up.

I don’t want to be ashamed of it, I just want to be aware of it.

Shame won’t help me grow, but awareness will.

I know this sin isn’t hidden from You. I know You’ve seen it. If You were going to destroy me, You would have. But You didn’t.

---

There Is a Presence That Waits for Opportunity

If I nudge You away, if I choose the impulse, the door cracks open.

And something waits. It doesn’t force itself in. But it waits. Opportunistic. Familiar.

And I’ve seen what happens when I let it linger.

So tonight, I say no. I say,

"Jesus is Lord here. And you are not welcome."

---

There Are Forces That Exist Whether I Like It or Not

I’m tired. And when I’m tired, the old patterns creep back.

But even in this state, I know one thing:

There are forces that are stronger than me.

And I need you, God, who is stronger than them.

Spiritual warfare is real, even if I wish it wasn’t. Even if I feel entirely unequipped to speak about it.

---

I Am Not at My Worst, But I Am Not at My Best

I’m not in my worst shape. But I’m not in my strongest. Physically. Mentally. Spiritually.

But I am clearer than I’ve been in a long time:

I can't do this alone. And I don't want to.

I’ve messed up. I know I’ve messed up, and I’m sorry I messed up. I don’t want to push away Your presence, I want to be near it. I need You here tonight.

There are spirits stronger than me. But I serve the God of Heaven. And Jesus is my Lord.

---

I Asked for Reassurance

This is the preamble to something sacred. The dream that followed was unexpected, vivid, unsettling, and yet strangely peaceful.

I won't share the full picture here. Not yet. But let me just say this:

I asked for reassurance. And something came that night, not thunder, not spectacle.

It was Presence.

---

Closing Prayer

Lord, I still feel the tension. I still feel the potential to fall.
But I know You answered my prayer.
Not with fireworks, but with something more enduring.

Let that be enough for tonight.

---

Postscript: After Enlightenment Comes the Laundry

It's 3am. My eyes are heavy. My soul is quiet.

And life will still be waiting when I wake.

There is no spiritual escapism here, just the grace to get up again, make breakfast, answer emails, do the work, love my family, and try to live this psalm.

After revelation comes repetition. After confession comes consistency. After enlightenment... comes the laundry.

---

Coming Next: Unhidden - Part II

The Dream That Came After the Prayer

In the quiet aftermath of confession, something unexpected came. Not a storm. Not a rebuke. But a dream.

Part II continues the journey, not as an escape, but as a deeper invitation into trust.

Stay tuned.